Developments!
CHEER UP! Winter’s over, Spring is moving on, and Summer will soon be upon us. Beaches and Mountain paths await us with an amorous Sun, strange beautiful foods, and cocktails aplenty. But while waiting in visa places, airports, train stations and subways… and later, allowing our bodies to be sunkissed thoroughly, (or else snuggled in warmth by a low light, drifting off to sleep) we may need a good read or two to sustain us -so this is what Ciggie‘s going to do for you!
Buy any of her 4 books for JUST $2! Details are available at http://ciggiecramond.wordpress.com/buy-ciggies-books/ as well as on Ciggie’s Website!
Seenceary Youals
Occasionally, as in every office in Nairobi, I’m sure, my colleagues and I lose it. We might lose it as a group, or two or three together, or simply go off on our own tangent but, what is sure, is that when we do, we lose it GOOD.
I have spent this morning crying with laughter over an email I 
sent to one of the most reasonable, level-headed, down to earth colleagues I have, only to get the shock of my Life. Whether she was letting her head down after a busy week, last week, or simply because she grabbed hold of the flow and ran with it, I don’t know. I couldn’t help but reproduce our conversation faithfully here-below, for those Kenyans who understand what it is to have a moment of nyugissness in the office, and for all of us who love a good laugh -especially when it is unexpected:
THE EMAIL:
From: Ciggie
Sent: September-09-14 4:00 PM
To: Colleage
Subject: Hae!
Sasa? Rong tayme no ‘c’. Jast cotching ap weeth you. I wonted to ret you no Aym fayn, except fol Irritability, delirium, trembling and twitching, frequent urination and dehydration, ringing ears and seeing flashes –or ov weech al lesolts ov too mach coffee.
‘Op youa week is rookeeng gleat.
Jacintha Rosmelda Ciggie
———————————————–
THE RESPONSE
From: Colleague
Sent: September-09-14 4:08 PM
To: Ciggie
Subject: RE: Hae!
OH mai tia Chasinda Rosmelta,
Aym so nkilati 2 eya flom yu! Pat what kaind of ulnessi ar tos wans? Id is tu gompliketeti. Hav yu sin a toktar?
Bliss stop deking de kofi bliss ! I av misst yu picos yu ali tuu kwuaiet.
Meyi Kot pi wit yu.
Yor sista khulambiro
Any Nairobian reader is welcome to decipher the above messages for the world at large -and please rate them out of 10 for Nyugissness!!!
How Quickly We Forget…
How quickly we forget God’s great deliverances in our lives. How easily we take for granted the miracles he performed in our past.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/davidwilke296517.html#7BbGt1SkjEKDAmOA.99
On September 2nd, a special issue of the newspapers in Kenya celebrated the fact that former President Daniel Moi had turned 90… and showed how, for that single day, everyone seemed to have lost it. Quotes from the Ugandan President to forgotten ex-cabinet Ministers filled the pages with praise for the former dictator, many of them apparently having forgotten their horrendous personal treatment at his hands. His was now “a rare breed of leadership”, inspirational, and practically a blessing.
In fact, the increasingly Voldemort-like figure was a tyrant whose reign deepened tribal divides, saw many unexplained ‘disappearances’, terrible local clashes and unprecedented levels of uncertainty and insecurity nationwide, as well as the beginning of a brain-drain that still hasn’t quite ended. How quickly, it seems, we forget…
Ironically, the Ugandan President mentioned how the former Kenyan President had assisted him in climbing upon his on throne; he has been on it since 1986, arguably running his own dictatorship. Former President Moi seems to have given up his own reign only when he wanted to, at a time when he had acquired enough wealth to last him (and his family) the rest of their lives, and he had grown tired of increasing cries from the people for change.
During his reign, all elections prior to 2007 are extremely unlikely to have been “free and fair”, what with dead people voting (though procured IDs), life-threats to any potential opponents, and other means of election rigging. I believe even he was impressed when Kenyans decided that they wanted this change badly enough to bury all their differences for one day, and vote with all of their hearts for their choice of successor, Though these differences flared up dangerously following the close of polls, and the announcement in favour of former President Mwai Kibaki, it was a magical moment for the country, the memory of which still marks its people deeply. They have never looked back where voting is concerned.
In short, I am surprised that anyone has anything good to say about former President Moi, yet, even those that he severally fired through his famous one o’clock announcements voiced pleasantries on his 90th. What Kenyans still have to learn is the most important lesson that European nations such as France practically continue to remind other nations again and again:
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/forget.html#uPtGpxFSkRW5CPoC.99
How to be Slim
I HATE SOUP?!!!!
Do NOT Drink and Drive… Ever
When you Drink and Drive, your car becomes a Weapon. And a Weapon destroys not one, but Many Lives. Call a Cab. PLEASE. CALL A CAB. That same cab will bring you to your car the next day. NO LIVES LOST.
Mututhoism
Being a Mututhee is practicing (either privately or actively) the act of partying in a manner that would shock, anger, dismay, and generally dismantle Mr Mututho. And who is Mr Mututho, do you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. Not knowing him personally, I cannot attest to his being a complete and pompous class-A Arsehole; but I certainly strongly suspect this. What I can attest to is that he is a devoted and determined party-pooper, and one of the greatest Haters in this part of the world. I am also forced to believe that he is a non-strategic, quite strange type of thinker for you see, what Mr Mututho Stands For is a set of extremely strict, and quite obnoxious rules about where, when, and how much Kenyans may have to drink. It seems we can barely keep him out of our homes.
While I thoroughly and wholeheartedly believe in jailing people who drink and drive, and further agree that (public) drinking is out of control in Kenya, Zambia and possibly South Africa – the UK, Germany and Denmark are noted big drinkers , and there is nothing of the Mututioism going on there. As a staunch (though usually private) Mututhee, I have found his rules laughable in general, but certainly extremely annoying, and basically foolish this holiday season, which he apparently intends to spend driving around Nairobi in a police-officer-filled limo, pointing out from the window for immediate arrest anybody that even remotely looks as though if s/he is a Mututhee. Because, don’t you know, it is an offense to stagger on the street (presumably even if your foot has hit a stone and you are attempting to regain your balance.) You certainly may NOT come home arm in arm with your best pal, singing a Christmas carroll duet, even in tune. Because the act of standing around singing carrolls is highly suspect (I imagine, especially for groups -and even more for groups containing women wearing curtains and any man with long hair), and if an officer stops you mid-tune, you had better have a Valid Explanation, whereupon I imagine that, whether or not the ensuing Alchopop test is negative, your details will be Taken Down –so You’ve Been Warned. Carry ID At All Times… Does this begin to sound familiar? Like, perhaps… Hitlerism?
Life is TOUGH, M-Dude, and it’s only getting tougher. A quick snifter or three at the end of the day is nothing to be Messed With. I resent it very much, and so, I believe, do most Kenyans. GET IT TOGETHER, Mr Party-Hater, throw back your glass of milk, and let the rest of us enjoy a VERY Merry Christmas, and an even better New Year. So there.
For more information on this… Ebeneezer Scrooge, take a look at the following articles and let go with a HUGE “BAH HUMBUG!!!”
http://www.thepeople.co.ke/40680/obtain-party-permits-face-law-mututho-warns/
Related articles
- Mututho wants alcoblow on the roads for Christmas (capitalfm.co.ke)
- Mututho gazetted to fight alcoholism and drugs (capitalfm.co.ke)
- Guess who’s back! (capitalfm.co.ke)
- Yes , Mututho Must Not Go (wakayajeremiah.wordpress.com)
- HILARIOUS PHOTO – How Mututho Announced His Return Yesterday (nairobiwire.com)
- Mututho promises tougher alcohol laws (nation.co.ke)
- Hilarious Reactions After Mututho’s Appointment Was Revoked (nairobiwire.com)
- Now Mututho spoils the party up to your home (nation.co.ke)
A letter from Danny Conner…
Hi Friends,
As many of you know, I have spent a lot of time in Kenya doing volunteer work and I’ve learned a great deal about the country and culture and I am very grateful for the journey. However, during my stints in Kenya and the rest of East Africa, the thing that became obvious to me is the importance of access to clean water in improving everyday life in those countries. Without access to reliable sources of clean water it is impossible to maintain food supplies, provide quality education or reduce chronic disease. Kenya, and the rest of East Africa, is a special place with enormous potential that needs help.
I recently joined the board of Well Aware (http://www.wellawareworld.org/), an Austin,Texas based nonprofit organization that develops sustainable clean water projects that drive economic development and encourage self-sufficient communities. I’m so glad to be a part of a solution that is realistic and lasting for the people of Kenya and I’m hoping you’ll join me in this mission.
This holiday season I’m asking my friends and family to join me in this great cause by contributing to our holiday campaign in any amount which will support our new R3 initiative – Recycle, Restore, Revitalize.
The great news is that every dollar given during this campaign WILL BE MATCHED DOLLAR FOR DOLLAR so this is a special opportunity to have double the impact and help launch an incredible 2014 for Well Aware. I will personally be going back to Kenya in January to launch the new initiative, and I am looking forward to telling you all about the impact you have made on the lives of others. Thank you and please join me in contributing to this cause. I was truly been humbled when I was asked to become involved in this awesome cause and I look forward to your generosity to help us move forward. To donate go tohttps://secure.wellawareworld.org/np/clients/wellaware/donation.jsp?campaign=15
Happy Holidays!
The Remarkable
The remarkable in Nelson Mandela -in our Madiba, is TRULY The Remarkable in Human History. While Hilter, Idi Amin and countless Russian and European leaders have been driven by hate and loathing; while murders rode around looking after their lust and vengeance -Madiba owned the unique quality of being able to put Hatred to one side and look to the future. A visionary And a kindly one, NO other African Activist could ever have imagined taking the chance, in his position, to put out the hand, rather than the murderous knife. I certainly wouldn’t have, and I have not been brought up racist nor violent. Still, I feel I would ABSOLUTELY pick up the Mau-Mau‘s machete to kill, rather than suffer ANY degree of what Madiba did -and when I came out, be it 30 years later to his 20+ -I would set to it with a will. Even now, because, like most people I am NOT Madiba.
His Wisdom was so legendary, people continue, and will continue to continue visiting the jail he inhabited for 26 years, hoping to be inspired by those ridiculous, small cemented walls. None of it, we all recognise, consciously or unconsciously came from without, but from the perfect Ugly Hatred within. Somehow, Madiba was able to turn it into Love, and because he greeted the World with Love, he was greeted and treated with Love for the rest of his Life, God Bless, and Rest him. And on a more superficial level -does a Loving Soul make you more Good Looking? In Madiba’s case, it is certainly true. The elder he became, the more loveable his face, which I, certainly will Never forget. His smile is fixed in me as the Perfect African’s. His ability to set aside grudges and naturally native Anger inspires and influences me each day I live. And that machete I mentioned earlier? I honestly believe I would think about it twice, thrice, MANY times, before I picked it up. Peace is more powerful than War, which I have never approved of. Just thinking about Rwanda and April bloody Rain, I would rather find ANY other way for people to Live, no matter who they are, than have a death on even my conscience, Like Hercule Poirot : “I do not approve of Murder.” I believe there are Potentials that the Devil seeks to destroy, for their future, and I do not believe I am wise enough to judge whom they are; for which reason I could noyannot actually kill anyone willingly, and answer to God that I was doing the Right Thing.
I cannot ever hope to be as Delivered from Hate as Madiba was. But I can work towards this. His Holy attitude -especially as he began his Life as an Activist, which fact is MORE than remarkable, and has matched India‘s Ghandi with Africa’s Own.
I wish I’d met you, Madiba, but though I didn’t, know I LOVED you FIERCELY, and have Always Admired and wished you Well. Look Well Upon me Now, as you look upon Everyone, with that Remakarble Capacity for Love of Mankind, and Bless us All. And of Course, your very Name is Blessed. Love,
R.I.P
When Art Caffè becomes Art Passé
There’s a furore sweeping across Nairobi that’ll soon go viral, if it hasn’t already. The renowned foreign-owned restaurant, Art Caffè has received notice that their Black clientele has had the last straw.
The debacle began, as most civil wars do, with the simplest, most incongruous thing: an order of croissants. Unfortunately, according to the restaurant’s Facebook Page, it was a Black Kenyan who had made it. Under that disgusting, well-known shield called Company Policy, he was denied the order, stating that it was “too large” and told in similarly uncertain terms (and very certain intonation and facial expression) that such an order should have been called in in advance and that there was “nothing they could do.” In actual fact, the implications of the of the conversation seem to be :
1) How African for a single person to commit the impossibly uncouth act of making the order of more than a single croissant -it’s so greedy, and we feel much better keeping our supply for White patrons who might otherwise be disappointed -plus, serving them up in singles on immaculate plates beneath well-folded napkins is infinitely more our style.
2) Why do you Africans KEEP coming here? Though we can’t exactly put up a “No Blacks or Dogs Allowed” sign, we’ve tried time and again to discourage this trend, and naturally you can’t get it, given that teeny-tiny braincell you all share.
Forgive my bitterness-infused paraphrasing, but, to put the cherry on top of the croissant, the client was actually reminded of his colour, and sent on his way. Since his sister furiously put out the story on Art Caffè‘s page, more and more ex-Art Caffè patrons are coming forward with similar stories, and all of them have declared Boycott on the restaurant. To this writer’s mind, however, what is even more aggravating the the restaurant’s inane replies to the ever-growing list of complaints (and I quote:
“…Please send us details of your experience to management@artcaffe.co.ke, for us to know more and see how to resolve your poor customer experience…
…anything above 5 pastries is considered large and for such we usually require a pre-order. But your suggestion is valid and good and we will ensure we put a notice in all branches by the end of the week.
…dependent on the remaining amount of croissants or other pastries at the bakery, the number you may take at a go may vary….”)
this is probably exactly what they WANT to happen:
Management: Oh, the Blacks are boycotting us? Boo-HOO -Lance? Send out another notice to the Daily Nation apologising to the public in general: “we regret some of customers’ poor experience… blah… blah… blah…” and mention that we’ve fired Oliech and Oduong as “those staff found responsible”. Never liked them anyway -too black. Then shut down the FB page, and get on with your work -has the new Italian chef perfected our House Pizza? And I hear he’s still having trouble with his work permit… (sigh) These Africans… go and throw some more money at those government officers. I need him up and working for us by the end of the month or you’re fired. Don’t think I’ll let you live the European dream of building your house on your new piece of land in Karen if you don’t do exactly what I say. You’ll be back in your paper-thin, two-foot long, heatless shared apartment before you know it.
Seriously though… SOMETHING happens to Kenyans when they’ve been wronged. Either they say nothing, (which makes me want to whip them in my own personal Guantanamo hut) or they complain to wrong person (see previous Guantanamo reference) or… and this is almost worse -they suddenly become Black Americans. Sadly, ADDITUDE suddenly rears its head and, men AND women, the situation becomes a sad pantomime of exactly why some Whites STILL believe they are the superior race. I have personally witnessed it several times:
Sputtering Swinglish in loud outraged tones, the Righteous Wronged Kenyan’s head begins waggling from side to side as he punctuates each stated offence. Index fingers are extended and banged on the table (or counter) surface in military staccato, as the offences are expounded upon. The party being addressed has absolutely no chance to get a word in edgewise, because they are consistently cut off, and each time, the RWK’s voice gets higher. For the finale, the RWK, having addressed the offences committed against him, now pushes his face into the waiter/bartender/manager’s face and, his voice reaching the zeniths of soprano, and mentions the tip of the iceberg: the attitude with which said offences were inflicted. At this point, things might get physical, or the waiter/bartender/manager somehow manages to bring out all of those platitudes that will soothe the beast, beginning with “I understand that…” moving on to “…this is indeed unacceptable…” and often ending with “…our heartfelt apologies…” and occasionally with the mention of “…we would like to offer you a complimentary…”
African American and Hispanic American workers on strike against Kellwood, wearing placards that encourage support for better wages (Photo credit: Kheel Center, Cornell University)
I mean Lord preserve us -I’m a (reluctant) citizen and a (very) proud Member (of the Black race) but DUDES… When will we learn to fight fire with fire? It disgusts and humiliates me totally when I see a wronged Kenyan REACTING to local racism, as opposed to ACTING against it. We are certainly hot-blooded people, but may I humbly suggest the following?
- When you enter an establishment and the person entering after you is a White person, and they are served first… for God’s sake don’t jump up and begin hollering. And certainly do NOT do Nothing. Call for the manager immediately, and calmly ask for an explanation.
- When a waiter is ignoring you, seemingly because his attention is entirely taken up with his White customers – again, ask for the manager directly (or go and find him) make a complaint, and ask for an explanation.
- If you are NOT satisfied with the explanation, continue to ask for clarification until embarrassment permeates the manager’s entire being. It is MUCH more intimidating trying to deal with a cool customer than an inflamed one you can simply call Security upon.
- Whatever you do, NEVER threaten or curse, or exhibit over-rude behaviour, because you will seem hysterical, and Security is there to deal with hysterical customers.
Croissants-2 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Whatever else you do… NEVER take racial service lying down. Not ANYWHERE in the world. When the civil rights activists were fighting for racial equality in America, they sat on the ground and sang, they sat in buses, and they entered “Whites Only” establishments and sat quietly down at the counter, un-served. And they got what they wanted.
As for Art Passé… well. Boycott is great -but going there in droves just to ask for croissant after croissant will drive them crazy!
New Seats -Same Toilet
For the last ten months (it seems) potential additions to Kenya‘s Parliament and Cabinet etc. have been undergoing ‘vetting‘. And it’s endless. And TELEVISED. And laughable, really, because, in a country where corruption functions much as a burp during banal postprandial conversation… Who is there to vet the vetters? But this is not my point. President Kenyatta II has at least as much on his plate as President Obama ever did, and Americans gave their elect a chance. I am willing to do the same, and give the President time to put his House in order… but while he’s straightening ties, sweeping the smelly corrupt old guard rats off of the Parliament Building porch, listening to the hit song Endless Moaning by Every Union, School and Parastatal In The Country (all of whom are actually CLAMOURING for more wages/salaries/benefits/funds/back-pay/compensations and innumerable other forms of money as if President Kenyatta II were personally responsible for the current situation), inspecting the guard and sending ‘Thank You’ letters to his supporter internationally… there MUST be space for instilling a BADLY needed Code of Conduct for civil servants.
I CANNOT express how DISGUSTED I was, when, over my morning coffee I saw the responses to the endorsement of Kenya’s new Minister for Tourism, even though I agree that the woman is not only the worst candidate a Kenyan could find and utterly inappropriate for the job, but the one brain cell she had before the vetting process is most likely exhausted. Full grown adults were getting up in front of microphones and, in quick succession, made some of the most offensive comments I have ever heard, and which should NEVER be heard as coming out from ANY civil servant’s mouth ANYWHERE in the world. I give you the following comments:
1) A woman supporter of the Minister for Tourism who dared to use the weak old: “If it had been a man, NOONE would have called him inappropriate for the job, but because she’s a WOMAN, everyone is up in arms.” (I’m paraphrasing here, by the way; our civil servants -and even our teachers have nowhere NEAR that amount of vocabulary of grammar, let alone elocution.)
2) A man who mention his JUNK, in the context of some stupid, old time, village metaphor that is typical of Kenya’s VERY doubtful sense of humour, additionally expressed with that ‘ain’t I the funniest’ smirk that always makes me feel violent.
3) A woman who, in a country with a majority of Christians which nevertheless actually and respectfully allows for Sharia Law, decided to preach the Word, reciting passionately that, though Moses was a stammerer (a modern interpretation I’ve heard before, but which is not actually written in the Bible) God found him fit to lead a nation, and THEREFORE who is ANYONE to judge the Minister of Tourism, who has so CLEARLY been Chosen?… I think they now stone people to death in Europe and America for mentioning God in public, which I despise, STILL -in a Parliament representing a country of many faiths… I don’t need to tell you that it’s inappropriate.
CRINGING is not the word for the state in which I went to work, but I can’t find a more powerful one just now. Sad thing is, this process of going off on endless, disrespectful, undignified, and wholly inappropriate public tirades is a political tradition of Kenya. Just like wearing Christmas garlands around the neck when making a public proclamation or taking a press conference (now that REALLY gets me violent!) T.I.K.
I didn’t vote for new seats in the same old filthy toilet that is Kenyan politics. I voted for change, and if change is indeed to come, it must come in ALL ways. They say that manners begin at home. Now, with no wish to offend anyone, the homes that politicians come from need SERIOUS etiquette training. I’d even make it a mandatory part of annual training for public figures. Americans both advocate and practice faking it until they make it -I am wholeheartedly inclined to agree. I have no idea of the caliber of our current politicians but, even if they are stupid and entire useless human beings? They shouldn’t look, or act, or speak as though they are. For goodness sakes, men. It’s bad for National Security!!!
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